Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I can't be pregnant forever..

I'm maxed out, and am emotionally spent. I had a huge emotional breakdown today (one of several over the past few days) and I'm just done.

Let's backtrack to Saturday morning around 3AM. Derek and I were in Jackson at my parent's house, and I was wide awake with contractions. They weren't painful, nor did they have any pattern to them. I just ignored them and ended up going about my business that day. As the day progressed I started to track them and noticed they would come about every 8-10 minutes. I did get a little excited thinking "this is it, he'll be here within 24-48 hours". This would keep up for a few hours at a time and then they would stop for a couple of hours. Sunday night, we decided to once again head in to Labor and Delivery to see if anything was going on. Lo and behold absolutely no progress. They did tell us that he has moved from a -3 position in my pelvis to a -2. We went home thinking that we might end up back there later that night as the contractions were getting a little stronger, but still weren't increasing in frequency.

Well here we are, Tuesday evening, and we still don't have the baby. My whole body hurts, my ribs are out of place, my left hip is out of whack and each time I get a contraction I lose feeling in my left hand and get shooting pains down my left leg. I'm miserable, the way that I am the most comfortable is laying down with a variety of pillows shoved around me, or in a hot bubble bath. My contractions are still 8-10 minutes apart lasting for a few hours at a time and then stopping for a few hours. I feel like an emotional yo-yo, I get excited that "this could be it" and then they stop. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. Derek and I are still pursuing a natural childbirth, and do not want to be induced. I am, however, considering starting my maternity leave before the baby arrives. I just feel really guilty taking that time just for my own personal comfort, I really want to use it all when he is here. But even now the thought of trying to make it through 3 more 9 hour days at work this week makes me feel like this is impossible.

The one thing I keep trying to tell myself is "I won't be pregnant forever". I just keep going back to God and praying that he would help me through this, but also that he would let the contractions pick up and continue. I would really love for Kelsey to have the chance to meet him!

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